I leaked the other day. It was embarrassing. My wife and I were visiting friends, another couple. The conversation moved around to a topic where I discovered I really disagreed with my wife.

In retrospect, it wasn’t an important topic. But I really disagreed. And said so.

My friend gently began to comment on choosing your battles. I heard him. A little voice told me, “Now is a good time to stop talking.” But then my wife stood her ground. I didn’t stop talking. My wife dug in. My friend began to tell a longer story about choosing your battles.

Unfinished Character

It wasn’t a major blow out. It was a leak. But it showed where I was holding onto something. And lacked discretion about when and where to bring it up. It made things uncomfortable for a bit. And then the conversation changed directions and moved on. The visit wasn’t ruined, but I had helped make a portion of it awkward.

As we drove away, I apologized. My wife accepted. But I still felt embarrassed about how I acted. And frustrated that I was apparently willing to make comments that were less than respectful towards my wife.

I wasn’t being who I wanted to be. And everyone else saw it before I did.

It’s Hard to Control The Leaks

Leaders rarely fail due to a lack of skill or ability. In fact, it’s surprising how little natural skill or ability is needed. Both help. But many leaders are able to manage their positions without much of either.

When leaders fail, it’s primarily due to an issue of character. And character leaks.

People Don’t Like Talking About Character

We have a strange relationship with character. We don’t like talking about it. It feels moralistic or religious. We’re not interested in someone else’s definition of character. I’ll define my own character, thank you very much.

Don’t judge me.

But….We Sure Don’t Like Poor Character

While we seem awkward about talking about how a leader should behave – we’re pretty comfortable talking about how a leader shouldn’t behave. Especially if we don’t like that leader. Then issues of character suddenly become very clear.

I’ll judge you. But don’t you judge me.

Private Actions Have Public Consequences

Like it or not, rightfully or not, all leaders are on some kind of pedestal. It might not be a very tall one, but it is there. It’s just the nature of the role. Our actions and decisions have more impact than others. This is just as true when we act or decide poorly.

The leaders who lead exceptionally, over the long haul, pay attention to their character. They aren’t uncomfortable talking about it. In fact, working on personal growth is the hallmark of exceptional leaders. Because they know it matters. Because ultimately, we all leak. What is in us will come out.

As I thought about this experience, I also thought about the character traits that seem to matter most in the leaders I work with. The traits that seem to have the greatest impact on whether or not someone succeeds.

The Seven Critical Character Traits of Exceptional Leaders

1. Courage over fear: Fear is one of the most common experiences for leaders. Fear of not measuring up, fear of failure, fear of risk, fear of rejection, fear of confrontation. The list can go on. Excellent leaders feel fear – but do the right things regardless. That is courage.
2. Humility over arrogance: Exceptional leaders are humble. Many people struggle to know what it looks like in terms of behavior. I propose two measurements: First, the degree a leader seeks the success of the group over their personal success. Second, the degree they seek to be better than themselves, not someone else.

3. Gratitude over envy: Gratitude is an elixir of health. To have it, you have to see good and appreciate it. You have to have the humility to accept that someone else is responsible for giving that good to you. Cynics, pessimists, and narcissists are not grateful. As a result, they miss out on a lot. Gratitude lets you see good in your experiences, in others, or the world around you. It’s difficult to do good if you can’t see it.

4. Integrity over deception and inconsistency: Nearly every time I help an organization define its values, they state “integrity” or “honesty.” It’s so universal, it’s easy to wonder if it should go without saying. But we often don’t experience it. Being honest and behaving in ways consistent with your values is usually not that high of a bar. You just have to be willing to jump it again and again and again. Because having integrity most of the time is like having none at all.

5. Generosity over greed: Financial generosity is just one expression. Being generous with time, with your emotional energy, with your praise, with opportunities. Generous leaders tend to believe (and experience) that there is “always more where that came from.” Greedy leaders, even when surrounded by plenty, never have enough. Their famine is internal.

6. Forgiveness over resentment: I’ve stopped being surprised at how many leaders are pursuing success almost as an act of revenge – to prove something to someone else. It’s common. Resentment is an emotional cancer. It’s easy to mistake the life it has as something that fuels you. Forgiveness, the ability to let things go and move on, is the path to freedom.

7. Perseverance over giving up: Very few entrepreneurs “made it” on their first try. Very few partnerships work without effort. Very few conflicts are resolved without leaning in. Very few opportunities hand themselves over to you. Especially in entrepreneurial or change endeavors – success belongs to whoever won’t quit.

Character Is A Battle

It’s not enough to say that character is a garden. You just have to plant the right seeds and weed out the bad ones.

Character is a battle. Leaders will always be surrounded by appeals to our lesser self. There is always a reason to rationalize or minimize.

But our private decisions have public consequences. Leaders leak. What is in us comes out.

Take good care,

Christian

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Further reading:

Why Doesn’t Character Matter? How to Make Sure Yours Does.

You Need to Know This One Secret to Effective Leadership

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